Pen and Paper: January 2014

31 Jan 2014

I SAY, I SAY, I SAY ......

What is your beard/moustache like? Scanty? Bushy? Clipped?
Have you visited a farm in the previous week?
How many wives do you intend to bring with you?
What side of the bed does your partner sleep on?
In times of either peace or war have you ever been involved, or suspected of involvement, in war crimes, crimes against humanity or genocide?
Have you ever been involved in, supported or encouraged terrorist activities in any country?

If you think some of the above questions which were being asked on Visa applications sound a bit bizarre, how about the below questions asked by individuals tackling the forms?

"Do you know if it's easier to find a wife in England? I'm struggling here."
"Is everybody friends with the Queen?"
"I want to be closer to Elton John. He doesn’t come to Togo. Do you see him much in Britain?"
"Is it legal to marry your car?"
"Somebody told me that Australia was founded by criminals. Do I have to have a criminal record to move there?"

Thanks to Paul for sharing what I'm assured are these true howlers via FaceBook.

Copyright: Tracy Terry @ Pen and Paper. All original content on http://pettywitter.blogspot.co.uk/ is created by the website owner, including but not limited to text, design, code, images, photographs and videos are considered to be the Intellectual Property of the website owner, whether copyrighted or not, and are protected by DMCA Protection Services using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act Title 17 Chapter 512 (c)(3). Reproduction or re-publication of this content is prohibited without permission. In addition I would also urge that if you are reading this on any other page you contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

29 Jan 2014

THE GAOL: THE STORY OF NEWGATE, LONDON'S MOST NOTORIOUS PRISON.

THE GAOL: THE STORY OF NEWGATE, LONDON'S MOST NOTORIOUS PRISON by KELLY GROVIER.

Source: A Christmas present.

For over 800 years Newgate was the grimy axle around which British society slowly twisted.

Immortalised by Charles Dickens. This was where such legendary outlaws as Robin Hood and Captain Kidd met their fates, where the rapier-wielding playwrights Ben Jonson and Christopher Marlowe sharpened their quills, and where flamboyant highwaymen like Claude Duval and James Maclaine made legions of women swoon.

By piecing together the lives of forgotten figures as well as re-examining the prison's links with more famous individuals from Dick Whittington to Daniel Defoe, this thrilling history goes in search of a ghostly place, erased by time, which has inspired more poems and plays, paintings and novels, than any other structure in British history.
...... Outer back cover

FIRST SENTENCE {Preface}: If you walk east from Trafalgar Square towards the City of London, as the theatre restaurants of Covent Garden give way to the Law Courts of the Strand and barrister chambers of Fleet Street and Ludgate Hill, there is a turning on the left, one hundred yards from the western facade of St Paul's Cathedral, that you might overlook amid the flurry of briefcases and cabs and pinstripe suits.

MEMORABLE MOMENT{Page 82}: "His lordship was conveyed to Tyburn in his own landau," remembered William Hickey, the famous memoirist, "dressed in a superb suit of white and silver, being the clothes in which he was married, his reason for wearing which was that they had been the first step towards ruin, and should attend his exit."

MY THOUGHTS: Beginning with lots of fascinating titbits about the history of the jail itself, of how some of the surrounding streets came to be named as they were and how some of today's common terms ('Pulling your leg'/'Left in the lurch') have there origins in the lingo of convicted felons. The Gaol started well but ended with the rather less interesting and somewhat laborious detailing of some of the many infamous criminals who were incarcerated there.

Overall an interesting and informative read even if it isn't exactly ground-breaking stuff. Ideal for the amateur historian and budding historical writers amongst us (I feel the book provides some great resource material). The writing is perfectly pitched so that it is neither too academic nor as if written for a school essay but why oh why the minute print and, even worse, the italic small print?

28 Jan 2014

AMITY AND SORROW.

FORENAME(S) CATEGORY.....

AMITY AND SORROW by PEGGY RILEY.

SOURCE: A Christmas present.

One father: two daughters: fifty wives.

They're waiting for Salvation. Pray it never comes.

In the wake of a suspicious fire, Amaranth gathers her barely-teenage daughters, Amity and Sorrow, and flees from the rural fundamentalist cult run by her husband.

After four days on the run, Amaranth crashes the car, leaving the family stranded at a gas station, innocent and stranded.

Rescue comes in the unlikely form of a downtrodden farmer, a man who offers sanctuary. But while Amity blooms in this new world, free from her father's tyranny, Sorrow will do anything to get back home. And Amaranth herself needs to know what happened to the other wives, the other children.

Amity and Sorrow is a story about God, sex, and farming; an unforgettable journey into the horrors a true believer can inflict upon his family. It is the gripping story of these remarkable women, the beauty and suffering of their former lives and their heartbreaking, hopeful, doubtful future.
..... Inner Front cover

FIRST SENTENCE: Two sisters sit , side by side, in the backseat of an old car.

MEMORABLE MOMENT {Page 127}: They could stuff sausages at four years of age but they couldn't write their names down, so the devil couldn't trick them into signing his book.

MY THOUGHTS: I don't know about not judging a book by its cover but I certainly wish I hadn't been so influenced by this particular book cover which was the thing (followed by several positive blog reviews) that initially attracted me.

A novel about what happens when a mother, Amaranth, (one of no less than 50 wives) and her two daughters (Amity, 12, and Sorrow, 14) escape a polygamous cult. I was hoping for a good, possibly insightful, read into a lifestyle that fascinates me. Instead of which I got this dull read which was anything but.

With a story line that jumped from the present day which saw the women living on a rural farm to the past which told of their lives as one of a multitude of women/siblings living on what can only be described as a compound. Thank goodness the chapter headings differentiated between the two making a confusing read slightly less so.

Combined with the fact that as the story progresses Sorrow's story becomes one of less depth and one of what I felt was mere sensationalism and the author's awful tendency to pose a conundrum (how did Amaranth come to be caught up in the cult? Just who did set fire to the 'temple'?) only to defer the 'answer' until it is a distant memory that I had long since lost any real interest in or her even worse habit of beginning to explore an issue without ever running with it I ultimately found Amity and Sorrow a frustrating read with little to recommend it.

27 Jan 2014

THE TWITTER COMMANDMENTS, GHOST SHIPS CREWED BY CANNIBAL RATS AND MORE.

Bath and Wells, a Church of England diocese, have issued a set of social media guidelines. Dubbed the Twitter Commandments the nine guidelines help followers remember God while tweeting. FULL ARTICLE

Police were called to calm angry shoppers said to be acting like 'vultures' after a shop which had advertised everything inside as being on sale for 50p suddenly announced that everything would be going back to its normal price of 99p. FULL ARTICLE

A newly wed couple from Greater Manchester had pizzas featuring their images made to celebrate their wedding. IMAGE & FULL ARTICLE

And talking of Manchester ......

A drunken Manchester football fan dialled 999 and demanded to speak to ex-manager Sir Alex Ferguson to complain about the previous nights football result. Telling the call handler "The result is all wrong, they had extra time and it was a total and utter load of rubbish." when asked if he wished to report a crime he replied "Yes, a crime. I want to report a crime. The crime is that Manchester United were absolutely knackered." FULL ARTICLE

Favourite headlines of the week ......

British entrants wanted for Naked Sledding World Championship. FULL ARTICLE

£6,000 of Viagra stolen from military stock. FULL ARTICLE

Ghost ship crewed by cannibal rats heading to Britain. FULL ARTICLE

Fat cows must go on diet, farmers warned. FULL ARTICLE

And last but certainly not least, my must read article of the week .......

The residents of a old people's home in Essen, Germany have created a calendar posing as actors from classic movie scenes. IMAGES AND FULL ARTICLE

24 Jan 2014

ODE TO ELF AND LITTLE PLUM.

Elf

Born 13th September 2013.

A bit late I know but today I wanted to share with you a photo of the latest member of our family, our great-nephew, Elf (aka Aaron) pictured here at 17 weeks. Its hard to tell looking at this picture but he has the most cute little pixie ears hence the nickname.

And just so he doesn't feel left out here's a picture of his big brother taken just after his third birthday ......

Little Plum

Born 29th December 2010.

Talking of nephews did you know ......

The word nephew is derived from the French word neveu
The Free Dictionary's definition of nephew is 1. A son of one's brother or sister or of the brother or sister of one's spouse 2. The illegitimate son of an ecclesiastic who has taken a vow of celibacy
Oxford Dictionaries has it that at one time the word nephew referred to both sexes
According to the Urban Dictionary the collective term for one's nephews and nieces is niblings.

23 Jan 2014

SECRET DIARY OF A DEMENTED HOUSEWIFE.

SECRET DIARY OF A DEMENTED HOUSEWIFE by NIAMH GREENE.

SOURCE: Ex-library stock.

When Susie's maiden aunt gives her a housekeeping journal, she expects Susie to use it for jotting down nutritious recipes and planning household budgets. But Susie has more important things on her mind ...

... Like how to keep sane while trying to control a four-year-old diva who thinks she's Judy Garland, as well as a thrill-seeking toddler with a death wish. Not to mention managing a demanding husband who expects a home-cooked meal at least once a fortnight and inconsiderate parents who seem to think luxury spa breaks are more important than spending time with their grandchildren. On top of that, there's the small matter of the Lone Father at the children's play group who is clearly smitten and Susie's passing interest in Posh'n'Becks, Wayne and Colleen, Brad'n'Jen'n'Angelina ...

Susie's journal chronicles a hectic year in the life of a stay at home mother, whose one ambition is to possess an outfit that is free of snot stains.
..... Amazon Product Description (The Inner front cover that I would normally quote is a diary entry that contains spoilers).

FIRST SENTENCE {5 September}: Have decided that summer is seriously overrated (unless you own a top-notch villa in the South of France and have a Swedish au pair on red alert 24/7).

MEMORABLE MOMENT {Page 154}: Spent next ten minutes trying to ignore direct implications that I was a fat green ogre with dusting issues and searching frantically for my evening bag, Joe tapping his fingers on the hall table and his mother pretending to help by looking under the sofa (really hunting for evidence that I don't vacuum under there either).

MY THOUGHTS: Funny(ish) but not nearly as funny as it might have been. As much of the humour lies in the fact that many readers, whether they be a thirty something 'demented housewife' and mother of two themselves or simply know one, will probably relate to at least some of the goings on.

Full of stereotypical characters - the workaholic father, the over-bearing mother in law, the 'hippy' mother, the sexy barbie doll like secretary, the career girl VBF (Very Best Friend) and her MOM (Man of the Moment). But it isn't even the authors somewhat lazy portrayal of these characters nor even the disservice done to stay-at-home mothers (portrayed here as somewhat slovenly, tv watching, biscuit munching, celeb obsessed individuals) that I found totally irksome so much as the pretentious, rude, and sexual portrayal of four year old pre-schooler 'I want to wear a bikini top and hot pants and look sexy' Katie.

21 Jan 2014

THE FIRST PHONE CALL FROM HEAVEN.

THE FIRST PHONE CALL FROM HEAVEN by MITCH ALBOM.

SOURCE: A Christmas present.

The gift of heaven on earth. It will become the biggest story in the world . . .

When the residents of a small town on Lake Michigan start receiving phone calls from the afterlife, they all become the subject of widespread attention. Is it the greatest miracle ever or a massive hoax? Sully Harding, a grief-stricken single father, is determined to find out.

......An abridged version of the inner front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE {The Week It Happened}: On the day the world received its first phone call from heaven, Tess Rafferty was unwrapping a box of teabags.

MEMORABLE MOMENT {Page 53}: "Hell, the Bible says God spoke through a burning bush," Fred said. "Is that any stranger than a telephone?"

MY THOUGHTS: Ever since Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven became one of my all-time favourite reads I've been searching for another of his books that affected me in the same way. Alas though The First Phone Call From Heaven came close, it didn't quite hit the mark.

Interspersing the fictional stories of what happens when one Friday Tess Rafferty (closely followed by other residents of a small town) get what is believed to be the first phone calls from heaven and recently bereaved Sully Harding's search for the truth along with the actual backstory of Alexander Graham Bell's inspiration for the first telephone (not to mention the tender love story that is his relationship with his deaf wife) this is a book as informative as it is enjoyable.

A story of not only faith but also of doubt, of hope and scepticism. I loved that the author explored what the different religious denominations of this small rural town make of these calls that seemingly come from Heaven {"My people," added the Protestant minister, "asked why it happened in Warren's church and not ours."} That he delves into what happens when what is essentially a 'media circus' arrives on its doorstep. However I didn't quite make the emotional connections with the characters that I had hoped for and as for the ending ........ Hmm, though my initial thought was one of disappointment I'm still largely undecided about it.

20 Jan 2014

MEDIA MONDAY SPECIAL: NOT AN AWARD I'D LIKE TO WIN.

As much as most of us blog for our own pleasure and enjoyment I think we'd agree that whether it being someone leaving a comment, choosing to follow us or sending us an award its nice to be acknowledged. I for one however would be appalled to think I'd even been nominated for this award let alone won it.

Yes, I'm talking about the Hatchet Job Of The Year award in which according to THIS ARTICLE .......

Eight of the most cutting reviews of last year are in contention for the prize honouring literary criticisms most poisonous pens.

The contenders and the reviews for which they were nominated can be found HERE.

Mind you according to THIS 2009 ARTICLE I don't think I'd be too eager to win any of these awards either ......

Stinky Shoe: I think this one pretty much speaks for itself but you might be interested to know that the sneakers are judged on the condition of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces/velcro and eyelets as well as the all important odour.
Bad Sex In Fiction: An award that may not be new to regulars of Pen and Paper. My 2013 post can be found HERE. The winner by the way being Manil Suri for his third novel, The City of Devi.
Stella: An American award for those who file outrageous lawsuits.
Darwin: Given to those who 'do a service to humanity by accidentally removing themselves from the gene pool'.
Ernie: An Australian award, the 'Ernies' are awarded to individuals/companies who make sexist remarks/do something sexist.
Foot In Mouth: Awarded by the British Plain English Campaign for the dumbest comment by a public figure. You might be interested to know that the 2013 winner of this was Godfrey Bloom whose 'wince inducing' gaffes can be read about HERE.
Weird-Ass Picture Book: Weirdest stories, cover and illustrations on a book.

Not that the Bad Sex In Fiction or the Weird-Ass Picture Book Awards are the only, err, unusual literary awards out there. A search of the net also came up with the following .....

Book Sellers magazine annual Diagram Prize for the oddest book title, the 2013 prize for which went to Reginald Bakeley's Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop. FULL ARTICLE.

17 Jan 2014

ONCE UPON A TIMPIECE.

A REFERENCE TO TIME CATEGORY .....

ONCE UPON A TIMEPIECE by STARR WOOD.

SOURCE: Received for review from a representative of the authors publisher, BO TREE BOOKS

When Conrad Sands returns a wristwatch to an old flame after 20 years apart, a remarkable chain of events begins.

The watch passes through the hands of a gold-digger, a journalist, an enchantress and a professor. It touches the lives of a rogue art collector, a domestic helper, and an environmental campaigner. It influences a reverends apprentice, a kept wife, and a self-made man. All of them are strangers, yet all are intricately linked in ways that none of them see.

A deeply thought-provoking debut novel from Starr Wood, "Once Upon a Timepiece" is a gripping portrayal of humanity's relationship with time and the unseen threads of history that bind us together. Told through a series of twelve inter-connected short stories, it explores memory and regret, ambition and weakness, and the texture of time that lies behind all our lives.
..... Outer back cover

FIRST SENTENCE {Chapter 1: January: Seize The Day}: Conrad Sands slipped off his watch and placed it on the desk in front of him.

MEMORABLE MOMENT {Page 47}: Grubb reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that he unfolded and smoothed out on his jacket. "You sit behind your journalistic principles, all high and mighty, washing everyone else's dirty laundry in public. But what about you?"

MY THOUGHTS: Though not usually a fan of the short story every now and then a collection will capture my imagination. This is one collection that did so in a huge way.

A collection of twelve short stories all of which are connected by the obtaining of an antique watch. Once Upon A Timepiece is a cleverly, very cleverly, constructed book that with a twist-in-the-tale to every story never fails to surprise.

Fun, quirky and with a lesson, however subtle, to be had each time the watch comes into the hands of a new character. I don't want to say too much about the overall plot or indeed the individual tales in the hope that every reader will feel the delight I did on discovering the various twists and turns of this wonderfully captivating little book.

Disclaimer: Read and reviewed on behalf of the agent for the author, I was merely asked for my honest opinion, no financial compensation was asked for nor given.
Copyright: Tracy Terry @ Pen and Paper. All original content on http://pettywitter.blogspot.co.uk/ is created by the website owner, including but not limited to text, design, code, images, photographs and videos are considered to be the Intellectual Property of the website owner, whether copyrighted or not, and are protected by DMCA Protection Services using the Digital Millennium Copyright Act Title 17 Chapter 512 (c)(3). Reproduction or re-publication of this content is prohibited without permission. In addition I would also urge that if you are reading this on any other page you contact the original blog owner/reviewer.

16 Jan 2014

A PLACE CALLED PERFECT.

A PLACE CALLED PERFECT by HELENA DUGGAN.

SOURCE: A giveaway win courtesy of Lindsay @ THE LITTLE LIBRARY READER (See her review HERE).

Take a journey into Perfect, a town that is anything but...

Violet Brown didn’t want to live in a place that was perfect. How would she ever survive? She’d have to be neat and tidy, would definitely have to brush her hair. She’d have to be perfect and that was boring.

But when her dad is offered the best job an optician can get, to fix a strange problem in this odd little town, Violet has to obey. That’s the thing with parents, they only ever did what they wanted!

From the beginning Violet hates her new home, it’s too clean, the people are too friendly, everything is just too nice...

When her Mam begins to act a little strange, her Dad disappears on a mysterious business trip without telling a soul, she almost gets expelled from school for picking up a pencil without permission and starts hearing voices in her head, Violet thinks she’s going mad.

Until one day she meets BOY...
...... Outer back cover

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1: A Silent Protest): So what if this town wasn't perfect, who wanted perfect?

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 212): Violet paced the floor. She'd always hated dolls even when she was younger. There was something scary about them. The plastic eyes followed her through the room. Imagine if they climbed out of their boxes and crawled after her?

MY THOUGHTS: Great cover (both front and back), wonderful storytelling.

Enchanted from the beginning to end. I can hardly wait to read this to my two great-nephews though as the oldest is only three years, the youngest 17 weeks, and the book is marketed as being particularly suitable for those aged nine to thirteen it may well be a while.

The story of what happens when 10 year old Violet and her family move to a place called Perfect. On the face of it this is a simple story and yet as an older reader look a little deeper and you'll see many issues are subtly raised.

Beautifully done. To be written in such a way as to appeal to both boys and girls, readers of the young and young at heart variety and in such a way that whilst modern it has a superbly old fashioned feel to it that if you are anything like me will take you back to the stories of your childhood is no mean feat. And best of all, the author doesn't shy away from the macabre that so many children delight in.

Whilst begging to be adapted for the big screen this isn't one of those novels that is so obviously written with this in mind. The authors intent clearly being to firstly and fore-mostly write a wonderfully readable story and in this is to be applauded.

14 Jan 2014

ON THE RAILS.

ON THE RAILS by SUZAN COLLINS.

SOURCE: A blogoversary win courtesy of JB at BROOK COTTAGE BOOKS.

For sexy thirty something widow Nikki, a freelance reporter, life is pretty much on track. She has some good friends, a great job, and no money worries. So what if her heart is a little bruised.

When an assignment to cover a children’s charity do in London comes up she leaps at the chance to rub shoulders with a few celebrities. Here she meets Simon, a star from a TV soap. It’s lust at first site, and Nikki quickly wrangles a job with the charity, hoping to catch his eye.

Her new commute quickly becomes enlivened by a series of entangled affairs 'of the heart'. There’s Richard, a member of station staff, who’s 'slow and subtle attention' entices Nikki into foreign adventures but it seems he’s a long way from all he appears. There’s the gorgeous Luca, her new colleague, with his smouldering Italian good looks who is well on the way to derailing all her good intentions. And finally there’s Simon, who seems to be emerging as a narcissistic man, far more in love with himself than with any of women that have fallen for his undoubted charms.

With an assortment of warm friends, complete with ready shoulders, wicked humour and endless advice, Nikki’s travels on the rails are an adventure dotted with sex, celebrity and some hard choices.

Will she find happiness in the end, will her heart be mended and her life, at last, complete?
...... Outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (Chapter 1): Nikki was in love.

MEMORABLE MOMENT (Page 81): As she lay on the floor she saw the bare hairy legs in front of her, and realised it was the man's trouser leg she had been holding onto and that she had pulled them clean off, as she fell.

MY THOUGHTS: Essentially chick-lit but with the addition of some real life events that affected England and Londoners in particular. I was delighted that rather than being too much of a 'sexy rollercoaster of a ride' as stated on the front cover much of the novel (and laugh out loud moments) revolved around Nikki's (mis)adventures 'on the rails', Tube and buses.

Whilst I felt On The Rails wasn't a novel that flowed especially well or had a particularly strong plot it certainly had several other things to recommend it, the main one being lead character Nikki herself.

Though not a character I was instantly drawn to, Nikki slowly but surely became a character I grew to really like and in some ways identify with. Vulnerable and, despite being in her thirties, rather naive when it comes to men (the phrase 'wore ones heart on their sleeve' could have been coined for her). Kind, compassionate and very observant, it is through her eyes that we get such a compelling snapshot of modern British living.

The first in a series of books, I'm looking forward to reading more of what I hope are Nikki's escapades in Back On The Rails.

13 Jan 2014

THE FIRST MEDIA MONDAY OF 2014.

How did I miss this? .....

THE taxpayer-funded Tate Modern spent more than £200,000 last year on work from a Mexican artist whose “installations” included one made of Scottish sheep droppings. FULL ARTICLE

A builder grieving for his goldfish and a woman stunned after seeing a volcanic eruption on tv ...... just two of the ‘bizarre and flimsy’ excuses that received a £100 fine from HM Revenue and Customs officials for filing their tax returns late. FULL ARTICLE

And talking of goldfish .....

East Midlands Trains have posted a sign in its trains toilets requesting passengers do not flush away all of the usual offenders (nappies etc) and 'old phones, unpaid bills, junk mail, your ex's sweater, hopes, dreams or goldfish'. FULL ARTICLE

A 26 year old man from Hertfordshire visited 85 of its UK restaurants and spent £1,000 trying to win Nando's for life before realising the competition had closed. FULL ARTICLE

Favourite articles from home .....

One new mother was left stunned when her baby couldn’t wait for the hospital bed and instead arrived into the leg of her onesie. The 21 year old from Streatham, London said ‘The onesie saved my baby’s life. If it hadn’t been for it little Kye would have popped right out and hit the pavement in the car park." FULL ARTICLE

..... And abroad .....

A woman in Kuwait has filed for divorce after only a week of marriage because she doesn't like the way her husband eats peas. FULL ARTICLE

Police converged on Prince of Wales Mansions in Harrogate, Yorkshire after a woman called 999, reporting three boys with an axe were stood over another boy who was covered in blood only to find four teenagers making a zombie film. FULL ARTCLE

Who said romance was dead! But at least this singleton, who is parading around London with a sign appealing for romance, is taking matters into his own hands as he canvasses for applicants to date him. FULL ARTICLE

Believed to date from 1875 and situated just a short walk from picturesque Bushy Park in the London suburb of Teddington its the garden which has caught the attention of potential would-be internet buyers as the sellers announce ‘It is important to note that the previous owners’ last wishes were to be buried in this garden, which is where both currently rest,’ FULL ARTICLE

The headline that had me shouting 'What?'........

Woman tries to sue lawyers because they failed to tell her a divorce settlement would end her marriage. FULL ARTICLE

A handbag filled with red, white or rose and featuring a pouring funnel that can be tucked away for discreet drinking is available for the price of £29.99. The downside? As the bag is filled with wine other objects cannot be carried in it. IMAGE & FULL ARTICLE

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