YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO THE MONSTER'S BALL. RSVP.

Get your tickets for the monsters ball,

Come in your hundreds, come one, come all,

Join the Frankenstein Monster and the Man in the Moon,

And that awful creature from the Black Lagoon.

There’s Dracula’s daughter with her bloated tummy,

The son of Kong, and, of course, his mummy,

The Invisible Man and the Deadly Creature,

And Robbie the Robot in his own B-feature

The curséd Werewolf and the angry Godzilla,

But not the Phantom, he’s retired to a villa,

With Doctor Cyclops and the Shrinking Man,

Who’re sleeping rough in a caravan.

So buy your ticket and book your place,

Don’t wash your body or shave your face,

When the world stands still and world’s collide,

Come to the party with Frankenstein’s bride.

- Monsters Ball.
Max Scratchmann.

NOT (QUITE) ANOTHER HALLOWEEN POST.

It's that time of year again, that time when things go bump in the night OR if you are like my elderly neighbour that time of year when you are too scared to answer your door for fear, of not of the ghosties and ghoulies and four-legged beasties but, the juvenile delinquents who demand payment not to vandalise your property. Yes love it or hate it there is no escaping tomorrow being All Hallows Eve (Laughs demonically).

Not truly popular here in England until fairly recently, it seems we have taken a leaf out of the books of our friends across 'the pond' in America and Halloween is becoming big business.

But I digress.

I'm not a big fan of horror stories and certainly no fan of horror films - as I was saying to one blogger buddy THE SHINING and THE SIXTH SENSE are about as brave as I get - so imagine how scared I was when I found myself living the stuff of my nightmares (cue creepy music.)

As many of you know I love the Christmas markets in Germany and as we have friends there Husband dearest and I aim to visit every other Yuletide. Usually we stay with friends but due to a change in circumstances this particular year we found ourselves staying in a hotel.

A huge, rambling building, though we arrived late at night, there was not a light on in the place. "I'll just give the night porter a knock," said Andreas, our friend who, as always, had collected us from the airport.

Standing freezing in the street, it seemed an age until Andreas appeared, along with him a man who could well have starred in a 'horror' film - picture RIFF RAFF from The Rocky Horror Picture Show (OK so I may have exaggerated here) - who pulled out a huge key and let us in to the seemingly deserted hotel. (I swear the door creaked as he opened it but as I said I have a vivid imagination.)

Now as anyone who has ever travelled at Christmas will tell you hotels are generally bustling with lots of guests coming and going. I wish. With not even a receptionist in sight, Riff Raff examined our passports, got us to sign the visitors book (were those cobwebs?), gave us a bunch of keys and got Andres to inform us that as well as the keys to our room, he had also given us the keys to the hotel, could we make sure the doors were locked if we needed to go out. Yeah! Now I was scared.

Anyway we made our way to our room along corridors reminiscent of those in The Shining (post 1970 for those of you who haven't seen the film) I swear I would not have been at all surprised to see twins appear (SEE CLIP but only if you are not easily scared - oh and take note of the decor!)

Eerie enough? Next morning, after a shower, in which I got Husband dearest to stand guard just in case, (Need I mention the shower scene from the film Psycho? Click HERE if you haven't seen it but be warned it is scary) we went down to breakfast only to find a table set for two, but still with no other living being in sight (not that there were any dead beings in sight either you understand.).

Never have we stayed in a more strange hotel and though I'm sure some would pay good money to have had such an experience we never went back. Actually I'd love to tell you that though we walked down this very street countless times after this we never again saw the hotel BUT this wouldn't be the truth as we did indeed see the hotel again - we just never saw anyone go in OR come out.

PS. To see my Halloween Survival Guide simply click HERE.

THE BEASTS OF CLAWSTONE CASTLE.

As it is nearly Halloween I thought I'd bring you a week-end of ghoulish posts and thought this a perfect start.

THE BEASTS OF CLAWSTONE CASTLE by EVA IBBOTSON.

When Madlyn and Rollo are sent to ancient Clawstone Castle they fall in love with it - especially with the mysterious white creatures that roam the grounds. But the owners are practically penniless and the castle is crumbling away. A magnificent money-making plan is Clawstone's only hope.

Helped by a gang of hilarious ghosts - including a one-eyed skeleton, a sawn-in-half circus girl and a pair of dancing feet - the children turn Clawstone into a genuine haunted house! Soon the money is rolling in, but just as things start looking up a terrible fate befalls the beasts. Madlyn, Rollo and their phantom friends now face some very sinister enemies.
....... From the outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE: There are children whose best friends have two legs, and there are children whose best friends have four - or a thousand, or none at all.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: Ranulf's rat was gagging badly: rodents are good on ships but motor transport doesn't agree with them.

Giving that it's nearly that time of year again - the time when things supposedly go bump in the night I thought that this would be a good book to read - scary enough to thrill junior readers but, fingers crossed, not scary enough to frighten a 42 year old with an overly active imagination.

After getting over my annoyance that the author mentioned feeding a hedgehog with milk (a big no-no) I really started to enjoy the book with all of it's twists and turns. Though to be honest I thought that some of the issues dealt with (the culling of animals after the supposed outbreak of an infectious disease to name but one) could perhaps prove a little too adult for young children.

However, I loved just about all the characters from Madlyn, a 'person who could always be cheered up by a serious bout of shopping' to the animal-mad Rollo and their three 'guardians' - one of whom was certainly not what he at first seemed but I'll say no more about that. My favourites though were the ghosts - all of whom had to apply for the job in Clawstone Castle - my favourite of all being 'the feet' with no body whose story was extremely sad.

A bit of a hit-and-miss story with some parts being very good and other parts, well, not so good and a bit lengthy. The Beasts Of Clawstone Castle, I'm sure will be liked by most junior readers for it's funny and pacy story.

Ex-library stock, this novel was purchased from our local library.

THE SECRET OF HUMOUR.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

So went the first two verses of Eric Idle's Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life.

Laugh and smile and dance and sing - good advice?

A new study suggests that we Brits begin losing our sense of humour at the age of 52 when we chuckle just three times a day.

But then again (and you have to laugh at this, don't you?) another survey says that true happiness does not begin until we hit 55 (Not too bad, I suppose that is only three years lacking in humour and happiness.)

The saying goes that life begins at 40 - but it would appear that this generation are too bogged down by money worries to enjoy themselves and that true happiness does not begin until you hit 55.

That is the finding of a survey, which suggests that people tend to get happier as they get older, with almost one million 45 to 54-year-olds unhappy with their lives. This makes this group, supposedly entering contended middle-age, the most frustrated. - Harry Wallop, the Telegraph. (FULL STORY)

But what exactly makes us smile, makes us laugh?

Anyone who has cracked a one-liner only to be greeted by an embarrassed silence knows that the secret of what makes something funny can prove elusive.

Comedians, actors, writers and psychoanalysts have long sought the secret of humour.

The key, according to researchers at the University of Colorado, was to come up with a situation that was incongruous, but also one that an 'audience' considered harmless. - Peter Hutchinson.

Sad but true, the mere mention of a 'silly name' will have most of us Brits tittering.

An author has trawled the official records to find the world's most comical names - including Anna Sassin (an assassin), Etta Lott.

Russel Ash's book (FROUS-FROUS, FRISBY AND BRICK) lists 3,00 unfortunate titles of people whose parents were either mad or cruel.

Some are bizarre - Smallpox Tommy, Hysteria Johnson. Then there is Sandy Beach, Rusty Pipes and Joy Rider (whilst) others who might have dreaded the school roll-call are Bonk Register, Booby Ogle and Wiggy Piggy.

Russel, who passed away recently, studied birth records, census returns and official documents.

One of his favourite finds was Chris P Bacon (crispy bacon). (Then there is) Lettice Pray (let us pray) and Mary Christmas. -  Mark Reynolds, Daily Express.

FROM DA VINCI TO THE LOST SYMBOL.

He is one of the bestselling authors of the past 10 years, but for those readers yet to settle down with A Dan Brown book the place to pick one up is OXFAM.

More of his books, including THE DA VINCI CODE, have been donated to Oxfam's bookshops than any other author in the past year. * - The Daily Telegraph.

After centuries of being kept under lock and key, the Secret Archives of the Vatican are being opened to outsiders in an attempt to dispel the myths and mystique created  by works of fiction such as Dan Brown's ANGELS AND DEMONS.

The archives, jealously guarded until now, provide one of the key settings in Brown's thriller in which Harvard 'symbologist' Robert Langdon races against time to stop a secret religious order, the Illuminati, from destroying Vatican City. - Nick Squires, The Daily Telegraph. (click HERE for full article.)

"Time is a river ..... and books are boats. Many volumes start down that stream, only to be wrecked and lost beyond recall in its sands. Only a few, a very few, endure the testings of time and live to bless the ages following" - THE LOST SYMBOL, Dan Brown.

* Most donated after Dan Brown;-

02. Ian Rankin.

03. Patricia Cornwell.

04. Alexander McCall Smith.

05. John Grisham.

06. Danielle Steel.

07. JK Rowling.

08. Jeremy Clarkson.

09. Maeve Binnchy.

10. Bill Bryson.

DIME STORE MAGIC.

DIME STORE MAGIC by KELLEY ARMSTRONG.

Paige Winterbourne is a witch. Not that you'd notice - no warts, no green skin, no cute little wiggle of the nose whenever she casts a spell. No, most of the time she's just a normal twenty-three-year-old girl: works too hard, worries about her weight, wonders if she'll ever find a boyfriend. Okay, so she does have an adopted teenage daughter, Savannah, who wants to raise her black witch of a mother from the dead. And who is being stalked by a telekinetic half-demon and an all-powerful cabel of sorcerers. But, other than that, Paige has a really ordinary life. That is, until the neighbours find out who she is, and all hell breaks lose. Literally ...

..... From the outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (from the prologue): Todd adjusted his leather power seat and smiled.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: "Is this what you call having things under control, Paige? Dead people wondering around mortuaries? Mobs of strangers on your lawn? A sorcerer in your house, dragging a half-dead man into your basement?"

K and I have been great friends for a number of yours, we have similar views on so many things and yet I was beginning to think that books wasn't one of them. The third book that K has kindly sent me, it has to be said that this is the only one I really liked - no, not liked, loved.

The third book in the Otherworld Series (I now have to read the first two) and what a good read it was. Not just a fascinating plot but great characters, once I'd started reading I had to keep going until I'd finished.

I think the plot worked well on many different levels. On the one hand you had the, lets face it, rather standard tale of a witch but what made it so interesting and compelling for me was all the other sub-topics that came up as a result - prejudice, the difficulties of being seen as being 'different', parenthood and teenage angst, amongst them.

Character wise, I loved discovering some new types of 'supernaturals' (Necromancers were certainly new to me) and I found Paige and Savannah fascinating in their different approaches to witchcraft.

Funny, at times gory and with an element that brought tears to my eyes (the grief stricken Savannah trying to resurrect her mother was heartbreaking) I can't wait to start reading books 1 and 2.

MISUNDERSTOOD PENGUINS AND MORE.

To start off with, three animal stories from Friday's (22/10/10) Daily Telegraph.

Penguins are not homosexual, just lonely, scientists have suggested. The birds are just 'same sex flirting' until they find a mate, according to a study.

The homosexual behaviour of male king penguins has been noted in zoos. In a new study, scientists found similar behaviour by male pairs in the wild. more than a quarter of one colony in Antarctica were in same sex partnerships, mostly males.

In the past, it was believed that penguins could not discern between the sexes because they looked alike. - Loise Gray. (READ MORE.)

A favourite childhood past-time of mine? Feeding stale bread to the ducks at our local pond.

The hungry ducks did not appear to mind as they flapped and quacked around Lisa Taplin and her two children as they fed them in the park.

But the bread Mrs Taplin was throwing to them did not meet the approval of a council warden.

The park ranger advised Mrs Taplin that white bread was 'unhealthy' and that she should give the ducks granary or wholemeal bread in future.* - Richard Savill. (READ FULL STORY)

It would seem that we are not the only ones to become forgetful as we get older.

Old bees have trouble finding their way to new hives as their memories fade and their learning behaviour becomes inflexible with age, scientists have found.

While bees are typically impressive navigators, able to wend their way home through complex landscapes after visits to flowers far removed from their nests, the study reveals that ageing impairs the bees' ability to extinguish the memory of an unsuitable nest site even after the colony has settled in a new home.

And from Saturday's (23/10/10) newspapers:-

We all know that cats have nine lives, it would seem that Belle, the border collie has at least two.

Firemen are adept at rescuing cats from trees but they recently had to use their skills to save a dog.

Belle, an eight-year-old border collie, got stuck 30ft up a horse chestnut tree while walking.

She had run up a low branch. The limb she was stuck on was less than eight inches wide. She spent six hours up there. - Daily Telegraph.

How does a marriage without any in-laws appeal?

A Taiwanese woman has decided to marry ...... herself due to a lack of potential suitors.

Chen Wei-yih has posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, enlisted a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall hall for a celebration with 30 friends. The 30-year-old will hold the reception next month, then take a solo honeymoon to Austria. - Daily Telegraph.

 An important question for any perspective grooms - do you have many sisters?

Men who grow up with lots of sisters are less sexy, a study suggests.

Researchers found the ratio of male and females in a family can influence the sexual behaviour, but not sexuality, of a boy who is outnumbered. - Daily Telegraph.

Coming almost full circle, my penultimate (how I love that word) article is also about a bird.

(Sadly it's not uncommon to hear about divorcing couples fighting for custody of their children but ......) A man is battling a council for custody of a .... parrot that can sing.

Angelo Ferlazzo, 50, left Coco with his ex-wife when they split (shouldn't that be 'flew the nest'?) and went back home to Italy - but she gave it away.

He returned and was stunned to find the African gray at a petting zoo.

But the council refuse to hand him over as they say Angelo can't prove it's his and it would distress the bird to move after nine years in Pet's Corner. - the Sun.

Following in the footsteps of Prince Charles, I have also been known to talk to Yak, Mickey and Spike. Yak, Mickey, Spike? Just a few of my plants to whom I talk, mainly encouraging them to grow/not to die BUT alas it seems as if it all may have been a waste of time as .......

Talking to plants in a Scouse accent (I have a Geordie accent) makes them grow quicker than any other regional dialect, a study has found.

Researchers across the UK spoke to their plants every day for four weeks to find out which accent had the biggest impact.

A lily grew 10.2 inches when addressed by a Scouser, 6.7 inches by a Cockney, 5.5 inches by a geordie, 3.5 inches in Wales, 2 inches in Birmingham - but died after just a week when exposed to Irish tones. - the Sun

Hmm, I'm not exactly green-fingered but I'm sure there must be another explanation for this.

* The Royal Society For The Protection Of Birds (RSPB) says there is no harm in giving birds bread IF you break it up into small pieces and it is preferably granary or wholemeal BUT it is better to give them cake crumbs, crushed biscuits or even grated cheese THOUGH the best thing of all is wild seed mixes obtainable from pet stores.

WHISKEY SOUR.

WHISKEY SOUR by J.A. KONRATH.

Lieutenant Jacqueline Daniels is having a bad week. Her live-in boyfriend has left her for his personal trainer, chronic insomnia has caused her to max out her credit cards with late-night home shopping purchases, and a frightening killer who calls himself  'The Gingerbread Man' is dumping mutilated bodies in her district.

Between avoiding the FBI and its moronic profiling computer, joining a dating service, mixing it up with street thugs, and parrying the advances of an uncouth P.I, Jack and her binge-eating partner, Herb, must catch the maniac before he kills again ..... and Jack is next on his murder list.
....... From the inner front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE: There were four black and whites already at the 7-eleven when I arrived.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: If this weren't such a somber situation, the image of two detectives flashing around pictures of the gingerbread man and asking "have you seen him?" would be pretty funny.

The first in the Lieutenant Jack Daniels series and I loved it.

Just that little bit different, Whiskey Sour was not just a crime caper but also a comedy which, if not exactly laugh out loud, had me quietly chuckling to myself from the start with witty asides such as:

"Sorry to hear about your dad."

He shrugged. "He was seventy, and we always told him fast food would kill him."

"Heart attack?"

"He was hit by a Pizza Express truck."

And this was only page 3.

Fast paced and, at times, full of suspense, this was a novel with an interesting plot but more than that were the wonderful array of truly odd-ball characters - not least of which were my two favourites, Special Agents Daily and Coursey, both of whom made Inspector Closeau of The Pink Panther fame seem highly intelligent.

A real page-turner, I highly recommend  this J.A Konrath novel which I purchased as ex-library stock.

INADEQUATE, PIMPLED, SINGLE, SLIGHTLY SEEDY- JUST AN AVERAGE BLOGGER THEN.

Beyond annoyed ........ I'm angry, livid, seething, fuming - lets see what other words the thesaurus comes up with - irked, bothered, miffed, perturbed, aggravated. Shall I go on?

What has got me so annoyed I hear you ask? Andrew Marr (Boo' hiss) has.

Andrew, who??????

Andrew Marr - (Born 31 July 1959) is a British journalist and political commentator. He edited The Independent for two years until May 1998, and was political editor of BBC News from 2000 until 2005.

He began hosting a political programme Sunday AM, now called The Andrew Marr Show, on Sunday mornings on BBC One from September 2005. Marr also hosts the BBC Radio 4 programme Start the Week. In 2007 he presented a political history of post-war Britain on BBC Two, Andrew Marr's History of Modern Britain, followed by a prequel in 2009 - Andrew Marr's The Making of Modern Britain focusing on the period between 1901-1945. - Wikipedia.

Oh, that Andrew Marr, why didn't you say? Yes, that Andrew Marr - the very same Andrew Marr who has so annoyed so many bloggers.

(Risking) the wrath of the blogosphere by describing bloggers as "inadequate, pimpled and single", the presenter dismissed citizen journalism (yes, that's you and me) as the "spewings and rantings of very drunk people late at night."

Marr told an audience at the Cheltenham literary festival "A lot of bloggers seem to be socially inadequate, pimpled, slightly seedy, bald, cauliflower-nosed young men sitting in their mother's basement and ranting." (At least he has the ranting bit right.)

But Tim Montgomerie, the political blogger who founded and edited the ConservativeHome website, described Marr's comments as "lazy" and "ignorant," and said: "The elite of the blogs (Petty Witter's included. I wish) - in politics, religion, science, computing - is better than mainstream journalism. - John Plunkett and James Robinson, The Guardian. (READ FULL ARTICLE)

Ok, before anyone says it, I know I have taken this a little out of context in that Marr seems to be mainly referring to those who have blogs with a journalistic slant BUT how dare this man judge a whole group of people in this way. Not a particularly political person, most Sunday mornings (ok, every now and again) I'd find myself watching his show - not any more though.

Read what The Guardian's Krishnan Gurumurthy has to say in defence of bloggers by clicking HERE. Oh, and do be sure to leave your comments on the subject once you have drunk enough and managed to stagger to your mother's basement.

THE POISON MASTER.

THE POISON MASTER by LIZ WILLIAMS.

On the planet Latent Emanation, human beings are the humblest class - at the mercy of their mysterious alien rulers, the Lords of Night. Alivet Dee is a professional alchemist - and, unknowingly, a descendant of famous Elizabethan mage Dr John Dee - who cannot help but question the Lord's rule ever since her twin sister was taken away to serve in their grim and enormous palace. She has saved every spare penny to pay her sister's un-bonding fee, but this plan is wrecked after one of her intricate potions goes wrong for a wealthy client. Subsequently, Alivet finds herself on the run for murder.

Her only ally then seems to be a Poison Master from the planet Hathes. Arieth Ghairen is seeking an alchemist of Alivet's expertise to find the one drug that can harm the Lords and topple their hierarchy. Sequestered in Ghairen's fortress laboratory, lied to by both her new employer and his daughter's enigmatic governess, Alivet doesn't know whom to trust or where to turn for answers. But, ever striving to rescue her sister, Alivet is driven relentlessly to hone her skills in time.

Even though time is running out .....

..... From the inner front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE (chapter one): "Are you certain this unnatural device will not fail us?" Sir John Cheke's face was a study in apprehension.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: The woman wore a long shift shift, of what Alivet initially thought to be velvet. Then she saw the dress was made of lichen: held together by a web of vines and starred with flowers. Elaniel's beautiful face was dusted with flowers.

Intrigued by the interesting cover (I wish I could include the back view) which seemed to tell a story in it's own right, I had to have a copy of this book. Set in two different worlds, many different planets many, many years apart this could have been a difficult novel to follow but wasn't. Not usually the type of genre I read, I must say that I really enjoyed The Poison Master with it's intricate twists and turns and fascinating characters including my favourites - the anubes who, like the Egyptian god, Anubis, were part human/part jackal.

Primarily about Alivet, a young alchemist, distinguished by the tattoo on the palm of her hand and the bands in her hair, the book also tells the story of her descendant John Dee both of whom are on a quest, Alivet to free her sister and John to, well you will have to read the book to find that out, I wouldn't want to give away any of the plot.

I loved Alivet who was both intelligent, resilient and yet, at the same time, vulnerable whilst I longed to know more of John Dee's story which I found to be a bit sketchy -  in fact so much so that I don't know if the book would have been any the less a read if this had not been included.

Easy enough to read and yet complex in detail, rather like a jigsaw I found myself having to fit together the various parts, I was unable to put this down wanting to know what happened next at the turn of every page.

The Poison Master was bought in Scarborough.

NO SEX PLEASE, WE'RE BRITISH.

WHOOPS! My apologies to everyone who read/commented on yesterdays post (Ode to a blogger buddy.) - an oversight on my part, I forgot to add the name of the poet and as such misled people into believing this poem was mine. My sincere apologies again.

There are only one or two things that are guaranteed to put me right off a book and explicit sex is one of them. But just what constitutes explicit sex?

Hmm. Not too sure about that, after all what is explicit to me may not be explicit to the next person. HOWEVER I think we can safely say that what used to be considered explicit would nowadays, generally speaking, not even cause the most delicate of souls to blush.

Take for example perhaps one of the most notorious book of all times - yes, I'm talking LADY CHATTERLEY'S LOVER which in it's day was considered outrageous and an insult to common decency.

Fifty years ago (today), amid international publicity, the Old Bailey was the venue for a trial that did more to shape 21st-century Britain than hundreds of politicians put together. The case of the Crown versus Penguin Books opened on Friday October the 21st, 1960, when courtroom officials handed copies of perhaps the most notorious novel of the century, DH Lawrence's book Lady Chatterley's Lover, to nine men and three women, and asked them to read it. They were not, however, allowed to take the book out of the jury room. Only if Penguin were acquitted of breaking the Obscene Publication Act would it be legal to distribute it.

Now that public obscenity has become commonplace, it is hard to recapture the atmosphere of a society that saw fit to ban books such as Lady Chatterley's Lover because it was likely to 'deprave and corrupt' it's readers.

On November the 2nd, after just three hours deliberation, thee jury acquitted Penguin Books of all charges (and) almost immediately the book became a best seller.

 The end of the Chatterley ban was an enormously symbolic moment, representing the end of an era in which the state had regulated private morality as well as public behaviour. Other obscenity cases followed in the next two decades, but they all tended to have the same result: a triumph for liberation, a defeat for censorship. - Dominic Sandbrook, The Daily telegraph. (click HERE for full article).

So why this article?  Like the journalist who wrote the piece I have also often wondered if anything is too obscene any more. Your opinions please.

You may be interested to know that a book by C.H. Rolph, THE TRIAL OF LADY CHATTERLEY, detailing the trial is available.

ODE TO A BLOGGER BUDDY.

Just as in the 'real' world, here in blogsphere we have friends that come and go, friends that we see almost every day, friends that we may see only from time to time and then, of course, friends who just seem to disappear. I was thinking about one such blogger buddy only the other day when I saw this article about Flarf.

Flarf? I hear you ask.

"Flarf, in case (like me) you didn't know, is nonsense poetry for the digital age. It uses weird word combinations produced by Google searches. Now K Silem Mohammed, a university lecturer, is working on a 'flarfirst' version of all 154 of Shakespeare's sonnets, retaining their rhyme and metre but entering every line into an online anagram generator. each resulting sonnet contains exactly the same letters. Here, for example, are the first two lines of Sonnet 13 when 'flarfed':

O! that you were your self: but, love, you are

No longer yours than you your self here live

becomes:

Wise fools who rub the curly heads of state

Sweet monsters who sell honor out for fun.

Aha! What do you think?

Anyway, not flarf, I dedicate this verse to Carla who once upon a time hosted the weekly meme FreeVerse.

In Celia's face a question did arise,

Which were more beautiful, her lips

or eyes?

"We," said the eyes, "send forth those pointed darts

Which pierce the hardest

adamantine hearts."

"From us," replied the lips, "proceed those blisses

Which lovers reap by kind words

and sweet kisses."

Then wept the eyes, and from their

springs did pour

Of liquid oriental pearl a shower;

Whereat the lips, moved with

delight and pleasure,

Through a sweet smile unlock'd

their pearly treasure

And bad Love judge, whether did

add more grace

Weeping or smiling pearls to

Celia's face.

- THOMAS CAREW (1595 - 1640)

HAMMERHEAD.

HAMMERHEAD by KEN McCOY.

Sam 'Mad' Carew is bored. So when a beautiful woman asks for his help, he's only too happy to help. Her father, Kevin Kilpatrick, has been locked up for violent murders she believes he didn't commit.

A recent spate of similar killings convinces Sam she may have a point. However, he doesn't bargain on getting mixed up with one of the most ruthless and sadistic crime families in the country. Sam soon realises he'll have to come face to face with the killer - the elusive and aptly named 'Hammerhead' - in order to knock this one on the head.
.... From the outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE: Kevin Kilpatrick didn't know what the job was to be, other than it was some bookie they were turning over.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: "I can't speak - I'm in a dust bin."
"A dustbin? Of course you're in a dust bin - you're Sam Carew. Why wouldn't you be in a dustbin?"

The third outing for Sam Carew (I haven't read any of the others) with a plot that was about as subtle as a, well, hammer blow to the head.

For what is billed as a 'Euro crime favourite' there are an awful lot of references that I'm sure those outside of the UK would be hard pressed to understand/make any sense of.

A readable enough crime thriller that is not so much a whodunit as a 'how they were caught' novel, Hammerhead has some impressive characters with Ken McCoy paying particular attention to the violent side of the female psyche.

I thought McCoy wrote really strong female characters who, in the main, had some real depth to them. A pity that most of them were overly violent and not above using their 'feminine charms' to get what they wanted.

Much more poorly written were the men who largely came across as not very intelligent beings. Sam Carew himself I did not like, hardly believable as a supposedly resourceful crime detective, he seemed to think with his, well, with things other than his brain for a lot of the time which led him into all kinds of trouble.

More well known for his family sagas, I think McCoy was largely out of his depth and it showed. Will I be reading any more Sam Carew novels? No.

Signed by the author, Hammerhead was won at a Book Club quiz.

WHATS NEW(S)?

This weeks newspapers.
My apologies that this is such a long post.

Peg - A 'model' pet until left alone.

Is your pooch's bowl half-full OR half-empty.

Scientists have confirmed what many pet owners have long suspected: some dogs have a more gloomy outlook on life than others. This unusual insight into canine psychology emerged from a study by Bristol University researchers into how dogs behave when separated from their owners. Dogs that were generally calm when left alone were also found to have a 'dog bowl half-full' attitude to life, while those that barked, relieved themselves and destroyed furniture appeared to be more pessimistic, the story concluded. - Ian Sample, The Guardian (Tuesday 12/10/2010). Click HERE for full story.

And now for several articles from Friday's (15/10/2010) Daily Telegraph.

Remember me telling you about the £96,000 bill for the cleaning of the Queen's chandeliers? Now we are informed:-

The Queen has cancelled this year's Christmas party for her staff due to the 'difficult financial circumstances' facing the country.

Not exactly a bestseller, I for one am glad to read that, Britain's former prime minister, Tony Blair's memoirs have gained some recognition.

Tony Blair's memoirs have been nominated for the Literary Review's Bad Sex Award.

The least coveted prize in literature is traditionally awarded to a novelist, but the judges have made an exception for the former PM and his toe-curling reminiscences about a night of passion with his wife Cherie.

"That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me," he wrote in A Journey. "On that night of 12 May 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct..."  - Anita Singh. Click HERE for full article.

Hardly romantic is it? Unlike this next article in which a television technician searches for his real life Cinderella.

An Australian tv technician has begun a Cinderella-style hunt for his Indian 'Princess' ancestor in Delhi, attempting to trace her and her descendants using only a pair of silk slippers handed down through generations.

Eric Ronald has released photographs of the slippers and some sketchy details about his family's colonial history in India as part of an appeal to help him find his long-lost 'royal family'. - Dean Nelson. Click HERE to view those slippers and read the full story.

I've heard some pretty good excuses in my time but this (as my nana used to say) just about takes the biscuit*

Airline meals have long been lambasted for being bland - but research suggests that the chefs may not be to blame.

A study has found that high levels of background noise can diminish the sensitivity of people's palates, making food taste less appealing. - Murray Wardrop. READ MORE/ GO VISIT A who also has a post about this very article.

And so onto Saturday's (16/10/2010) articles.

And talking of food, remember the three-course dinner chewing gum in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory in which anyone getting past the tomato soup and roast beef stages to desert changes into a giant blueberry? Well! ......

A scientist believes he has found the secret of creating it.

Dave Hart hopes to turn author Roald Dahl's crazy invention into reality, without the side effects says the answer lies with NANOTECHNOLOGY. - Daily Express.

My perfect job (sighs).

Eating chocolate for a living might (might!!!!) sound like a dream job but it could become a reality for one cocoa-lover and even pay up to £35,000 a year.

Green & Black's, the chocolate company, is looking for a taste assistant (pick me, pick me) to help come up with new flavour combinations, test new products and travel the world sourcing ingredients. - Laura Roberts, The Daily Telegraph. READ MORE.

Guilty as charged.

When brake cables were systematically damaged on seven cars, police launched an urgent investigation and street patrols - but were astonished when they found the culprits.

Instead of gangs of vandals attacking the cables and cutting phone lines to homes, forensic tests showed ????? (click HERE to find out what) were causing the damage. - Victoria Ward, The Daily Telegraph.

And finally just one more article that I simply could not resist.

Plumber Colin Furze has built the fastest mobility scooter in the world - it can whiz along at 69mph compared with a normal top speed of 8mph. (Don't worry I don't think I'll be doing this speed in Madge - at least not yet.) - The Sunday Telegraph (17/10/2010).

*If something takes the biscuit, it is the absolute limit.

NEVER MIND DAVE, WHAT ABOUT TOYS WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS?

You remember me telling you about DAVE THE FUNKY MONKEY on Tuesday?

Well! How about this as an alternative?

A GERMAN toymaker is selling a range of soft toys, each of which has their own psychiatric disorder.

The toys range from Dub, a turtle who suffers depression, to Kroko, a crocodile with an acute phobia of water, as well as an hallucinating snake called Sly and a sheep called Dolly who has a personality disorder.

The cuddly toys are sold from parapluesch.de website, styling itself the Psychiatric Institute for Abused Cuddly Toys, where customers can also play an online game as a doctor trying to diagnose the toys' problems.

With last Sunday (the 10th of October) being WORLD MENTAL HEALTH DAY  are these toys merely a bit of fun that might, just might, have some therapeutic value OR are they just a way of promoting a new idea in toys that make fun of those with mental health issues?

Undecided myself, I confess that my first thought was to laugh at the idea of a sheep with a personality disorder. But then I suppose political correctness raised its head and I started to think are these toys really appropriate or are they just encouraging people to mock those suffering with such an illness? Then again, could they be a great way of introducing the whole topic of mental illness in a non-threatening, fun way? Hmm - what do you think?

A K TO O OF SILLY STORIES.

K is for Kiko the dog who chewed off his owners big toe. Jerry Douthett, a diabetic, had been harbouring a bone infection in the toe which Kiko sniffed out and, with the limited surgical skills at his disposal, dealt with.

L is for low-slung trousers. A judge has ruled that the fashion for wearing trousers so low that they show off underwear may be offensive, but it is not an offensive.

Reuben Franco, a judge in New York, said "The constitution still leaves some opportunity for people to be foolish if they so desire."

Julio Martinez had been given a summons for disorderly conduct by a police officer.

The officer said Martinez had "his pants (trousers) down below his buttocks exposing underwear (and) potentially showing his private parts." Will Kinniard, the Daily Telegraph.

M is for mafia. One of Italy's most wanted mafia godfathers has been arrested after police traced him to a mobile phone used by his wife and registered in the name of Winnie The Pooh.

A fugitive since 2003, Vittoria Pirozzi, remained in close contact with his wife but changed the SIM card in his phone every two weeks to avoid his location being traced.

His wife, however, was not so prudent, calling and texting her husband on a mobile phone which was registered under the alias of AA Milne's character. - Nick Squires, the Daily Telegraph.

N is for naked. A naked couple who clamoured to the top of a building sparked an emergency rescue after the woman fell through the roof.

O is for owl. A pensioner has been banned from taking his pet owls for a walk in case they attack somebody.

Over the past 10 years Russell Burt, 74, and known locally as The Owl man, has regularly walked around with one of his seven birds perched on his hand. he has a licence to display birds and collects money for a local wildlife charity.

Local councillors say Mr Burt can no longer take the birds along the street because they could be "spooked" by traffic and "run amok."

THE CONJUROR'S BIRD.

THE CONJUROR'S BIRD by MARTIN DAVIES.

It seems like a long time ago that Fitz and Gabby were together, with his work on extinct species about to make him world-famous. Now, it's his career that is almost extinct.

Suddenly, though, the beautiful Gabby is back in his life. She wants his help in tracing the history of The Mysterious Bird of Ulieta, a creature once owned by the great 18th century naturalist Joseph Banks.

It soon becomes clear that Fitz is getting involved in something more complicated - and dangerous - than the search for a stuffed bird. And to solve the puzzle, he must uncover the identity of the extraordinary woman Banks loved - a woman who has disappeared from history as effectively as he specimen he is hunting.

....... From the outer back cover.

FIRST SENTENCE: That Thursday evening I was working late, removing the skull of a dead owl.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: As his debts grew she felt the trap closing, yet even as she watched her father edging towards ruin she was aware of her love for him like a sharpening pain.

You know how you sometimes read a book, and though it is readable enough, it is just lacking a certain something or other. Well, this just about sums The Conjuror's Bird up.

A mixture of fact and fiction, past and present, this is an interesting first novel all about love, loss and the search for a mysterious bird, a blend of "part thriller, part love story, part quest" as the blurb on the back cover tells us.

The interweaving of two stories within the one book is, in places, quite complicated as the author alternates between the totally fictional story of 'Fitz' Fitzgerald and the partly factual story of Joseph Banks.

Slow to start, The Conjurors Bird does gather a certain amount of momentum but still stops short of being an enthralling story. As for the characters, these are colourful enough but without fail you are left feeling unfilled by them, wanting (no, needing) to know more.

Not just about the search for the Bird of Ulieta, I found the story for the search for Banks' Miss B much more appealing and readable.

Ex-library stock, this novel was purchased at our local library.

COMPUTER FACE - WHATEVER NEXT?

As I was doing my (almost) daily rounds, visiting my blogging buddies, I came across this interesting condition known as 'Computer Face' on Suzanne Jone's post AH, SO THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FACE.

Computer Face? As Suzanne explains this

"happens when people spend too much time in one position, frowning at the computer screen - as most of us do when we're working - resulting in premature ageing."

Who discovered it? Would you be at all surprised if I was to tell you it was a cosmetic surgeon? As I commented, rather cynically, on Suzanne's blog

"I would argue that it could just be in this surgeons best interest to give us another reason to feel the need for cosmetic surgery."

Not the end of my post, Suzanne's article reminded me of this other cosmetic procedure that I had read about last month.

"With surgeons able to fix every other part of our body in the quest for perfection, it was only a matter of time before feet fell under their aesthetic scrutiny. ...... the singer Sandie Shaw told (a tv programme) that she bought herself a 'foot lift' for her 60th birthday." - Emine Saner, the Guardian *

Having had several operations on my leg/feet myself  - and having been in hospital with several women who have had surgery on their bunions which I am informed is usually included as part of a foot lift - I can tell you this is no fun. Why women wold want to put themselves through this is beyond me.

* To view the full article in which Emine compares the Foot Lift with the Chinese custom of Foot Binding click HERE and do be sure to let us know what you think.

Which brings me back to my original question of Computer Face - whatever next?

I'll tell you what - anal bleaching. Yes I know, it's a sad state of affairs when my mind makes the leap from feet to, well, anal bleaching but blame Jenners over at Life With Books who got me wondering with her post JOBS I DON'T WANT.

THE AMAZING STORY OF ADOLPHUS TIPS.

THE AMAZING ADOLPHUS TIPS by MICHAEL MORPURGO.

It's 1943, and Lily Tregenza lives on a farm in the idyllic seaside village of Slapton. Apart from her father being away, and the 'townie' evacuees at school, her life is scarcely touched by the war. Until one day, Lily and her family, along with 3000 other villagers, are told to move out of their homes - lock, stock and barrel.

Soon, the whole area is out of bounds, as the Allied forces practise their landings for D-Day, preparing to invade France. But Tips, Lily's adored cat, has other ideas - barbed wire and keep-out signs mean nothing to her, nor does the danger of guns and bombs. Frantic to find her, Lily makes friends with two young American soldiers, who promise to help her. But will she ever see her cat again? Lily decides to cross the wire into the danger zone and look for Tips herself ....

Now, many years later, as Michael is reading his Grandma Lily's diary, he learns about The Amazing Story of Adolphus Tips - and wonders how one adventurous cat could still affect their lives sixty years later.

..... From the inner, front cover.

FIRST SENTENCE: I first read Grandma's letter over ten year's ago, when I was twelve.

MEMORABLE MOMENT: I've seen lots of lambs born, lots of calves, and each time it surprises me how quickly they can get up and walk on their wobbly legs. What takes us a year or more, they can do inside an hour.

I don't usually read animal stories but was determined to give this one ago after falling in love with the cat (Tips) on the front cover.

A charming, well written story with an ending that had me in tears. However a bit of a disappointment in that the story was not really about Tips at all  but more the story of Lily and her war time experience growing up in a small community during the second World War which saw not only the absence of many of the menfolk but also the evacuation of an entire village as well as the introduction of evacuees from the cities and  towns.

Though Slapton is not a real place, this novel is based on actual events - certain parts of the English coastline "became like a huge army camp. As the invasion forces gathered and rehearsed  many coastal areas had to be cleared so that simulated landings from the sea could take place" - and as such is quite a gentle way to discuss themes of war with children.

Not quite what I expected but still a good read that I'm sure would make a good drama. I recommend this in particular to anyone who enjoyed Michelle Magorian's GOODNIGHT MISTER TOM.

Ex-library stock, this was purchased at our local library.